Searching for Luck

(This story is copyright so anything i have written on here is mine and mine only. you can read it to others but cannot claim this story as yours or you will be fined.)

Why does it have to happen to me? Why not to anyone else! Why am I the unlucky one who constantly has to go through things? Is it a thing that runs in my family? My mum died when I was 4 she died of cancer. Firstly she started not coming home and daddy said she was in the hospital and she had cancer but she would survive. I knew he was only trying to look out for me but it didn’t work. It just made me feel worse when she eventually died. I ended up in a deep depression state which was rather odd for someone of my young age. I was close with my mum, we did everything together well except from school. She was fun and would play mind games with me thinking that I didn’t understand what she was doing but I did, I was just letting her say whatever cause it was funny. We had the perfect mother daughter relationship.

A few years later when I was about 8 my brother got cancer too it was a brain tumor and he died also and a little after so did my older sister. I was very destroyed and didn’t know what to do? What if my dad died or I did! My dad couldn’t live without me especially having to take care of Abby. By the way Abby is my cousin, her parents died in a car crash a few years ago.  We have had to take care of her after wards. Anyways back to the story, practically all my family is gone and me and dad are the only ones left, the only survivors.  It’s been sad but you have to move on from it.  I have cancer too I just have told anyone yet. I will be getting chemotherapy soon and leaving school for a while because my dad doesn’t want me in a dangerous area. Abby doesn’t understand it and the only other person other than dad and Abby who know are the school head master.

My dad has been over protecting over me since we found out. He doesn’t want what happened to mum to happen to me. Sometimes I just want to kill myself. I end up starving myself from depression and sometimes even self harm myself. I just want to stop this continuation of cancer in my family. They say be strong! How the fuck am I supposed to be strong when I don’t even have a family to love me.  In school they call me attention whore because when I get depressed and starve myself I start to have pains and run out of lessons. They think that I am just joking and it’s hilarious. Most of the time it’s the cancer though.  I just never know how to live or what will happen next. Since I found out I was probably gonna die I picked up a notebook and wrote out things I wanted to do before I died. Unfortunately my dad found and he was heartbroken. At first I was confused and then I realised that it was a wakeup call for him. I was probably gonna die and there was no way he could change that. The worst thing about it was he thought that I wanted to die and leave him with Abby and no family.

I didn’t want to die of course not but life is a fucking disappointment and there was no way I can survive. It’s sad though but except for my dad what do I have left? I don’t have any friends and I don’t know what I wanna be in life so it seems like a win, win situation right? I can’t live up to anyone, no boys like me and I am ugly. Every day I dream of suicide like is the other world better but I never do. No matter how scared I am of this world I am more scared of dying basically the fear of the unknown. I don’t want to die especially painfully. They say that dying is quicker than sleeping but how would you know? No one in the world has ever died before that obviously been on records. The only scary thing about cancer is dying and leaving everyone else behind mourning of your death, wishing you were still alive. Dying and killing someone from heart break. No matter what I fight cancer away because I can’t leave my father and Abby alone! My father wouldn’t manage I mean he is getting older so they’d probably take Abby away if I wasn’t there and put him in and Abby in homes. I can’t die! I won’t let myself.

I guess you could say that I have to really do a lot; I mean there is a lot of pressure under me. I have to keep my father and Abby alive. I had to get a job when I was really young just help my dad pay the bills a little. When my mother died we could cope just a bit because she had left some money for us but it didn’t last for more than a year. Then after we had to take care of ourselves. We couldn’t really afford getting any medication for my dead family so we used most of the time my mother left but the sad thing is they died anyway. My dad said that we should just do a little ceremony for them but I said they had to have a proper goodbye. I didn’t want them to die in vain the least they could have was a proper body case and a proper burial, I mean I would want the same thing.

I stopped going to work once I got cancer because I was at the doctors getting tests a lot. I didn’t have time to go to work. I think I might have lost my job because I didn’t tell them I had cancer. I couldn’t! Mary the person who I worked for was nice but she was a blabber mouth, if I told her three continents would know by the end of the week and I didn’t want that. I wanted to see who my real friends were. Who would only care about me when they found out I had cancer. There were many of them because they treated me worse because I was losing hair. They would say I have a bald hair cut and would ask me tonnes of stupid questions about my hair. Only one person noticed I had cancer and she didn’t know me and she was a random person on the street. It’s hard being extremely  unlucky! I hate it I hate it!